Health Class
by Apple Snapple
Summary: The Hyoutei regulars are forced to take a health class, courtesy of Atobe. Oneshot. Crack, Rated T for swearing and semi mature content.


**Credit goes to Demon Brat 2000 for the idea. Totally. XD**

* * *

All the Hyoutei regulars were in a classroom in the middle of winter break. You ask why. It's because Atobe's stupid enough to force them to go to a health class because he felt that some people in his team were just way too innocent. Actually, only Jirou, and the second years. And you ask why Jirou's the only third year who didn't learn about this. It was because he slept through class. Duhh. 

"I hate this place!" Mukahi screamed out. "LET ME OUT!!"

"Gakuto, quiet down," Oshitari said, drawing something on his paper. "It's just a health class. You've learned this before."

"I absolutely abhored health class last year! Why do I have to be dragged into this again?!"

"Because the second years and Jirou need to learn about it now," Shishido said, thinking it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Then why are we here?!"

"Because we're a team, that's why."

"That sounds really cheesy."

"Your face is made out of cheese, that's what."

"IS NOT, IT'S MADE OUT OF FLESH, BLOOD, BONES, AND SOME RANDOM STUFF THAT I CAN'T PRONOUNCE! NOR DO I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY FACE IS MADE OUT OF, CAUSE I'D PROBABLY NOT WANT TO KNOW!"

"Ore-sama demands that you quiet down!" Atobe barked out. "You're giving Ore-sama a headache!"

"Well you know what?" Mukahi said. "I demand that you let us go and actually _enjoy_ our winter break!"

"It is up to Ore-sama to help you understand the basics of life!"

"Well fuck health!"

"Um, Mukahi-senpai, you don't really have to be here..." Ootori said. "You can leave if you want."

"No, he is not leaving, nor will he ever leave!" Shishido said, hitting Mukahi with a book.

"Ahhh!!! Shishido's going to rape me and then throw me into a ditch and make me choke on dirt!!!"

"..."

"Ore-sama demands that we get started with this lesson, ne, Kabaji?"

"Usu."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Mukahi screamed.

"..."

* * *

"Okay, first of all, Ore-sama presumes that everyone knows what this is, correct?" Atobe asked, pointing with his tennis racket to a stick figure. 

"Um, yeah, it's a stick figure," Shishido replied. "And Atobe, why in the heck are you using your tennis racket to point at things anyways?"

"Oh?" Atobe raised his eyes at Shishido in a mocking sort of way. "So do you, by chance, have a long conductor's baton that Ore-sama can use?"

"A conductor's baton is for conductors' use only, Atobe, not for pointing out things in health class," Oshitari remarked.

"Then Ore-sama shall continue to use the tennis racket."

"Wait!" Jirou cried out, waking up from his nap. "Can't you just use a health baton?"

"Ore-sama does not have one," Atobe stated.

"Then you can go buy one!"

"Ore-sama does not have any time to buy such trivial things. Thus, Ore-sama will use a tennis racket."

"Ugh." Mukahi winced. "I'll never be able to look at a tennis racket the same way ever again."

"Ew." Shishido shuddered.

"Why are we here, exactly?" Hiyoshi asked randomly. Where was he when Atobe gave that long lecture about health class? Probably off in his own dreamland or whatever. Pshh. Like anyone wants to know what goes on in his head anyways.

"WERE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ORE-SAMA'S SPEECH JUST TWO MINUTES AGO?!" Atobe screamed out.

"...Gekokujou..."

Atobe cleared his throat. "As Ore-sama was saying before, we are here to learn about the miracles of birth."

"Wait, we are?!" Mukahi cried out. "I thought health class was about learning how the muscles worked!"

"...Fuck. You're even worse than a rock," Shishido said.

Mukahi made a face. "Great. Now I REALLY will never be able to look at a tennis racket the same way ever again."

"..."

"Mukahi-san, you really don't have to be here," Ootori said. "You can just go if you want."

"Like hell I can. Atobe's probably going to chase me down with a baseball bat, beat me up with it, and start suing me for not working as a team together or whatnot."

"And I wouldn't blame him," Shishido remarked.

"Atobe, I've finished the drawings," Oshitari stated, handing the suspicious looking leaflets of paper to Atobe.

"Ah, excellent." Atobe collected them and started organizing them.

"What are the drawings of?" Hiyoshi inquired suspiciously.

"They're of-" and Mukahi started talking in GREAT detail about the miracles of life and reproduction.

After he was done Shishido uncovered his ears and stared at Mukahi. "I thought you said you didn't like health class."

"Well, I was considering the consequences, and since I've already learned this stuff, I figured what the hey, it'd be fun torturing and raping the minds of innocent second years."

"Ugh. So many commas in that sentence." Shishido mentally shuddered. "By the way, Jirou's just learning about this stuff too."

"SUGEE!" Jirou cried out. "THAT'S SO COOL!"

Oshitari almost choked on the water he was drinking. _Cool? YOU CALL THIS COOL? WHAT THE -bleep- IS WRONG WITH YOU?!_ he thought to himself.

Ootori looked like he was just about to faint while Hiyoshi just sat there, motionless, unblinking. So was Kabaji.

It was all Mukahi's fault.

"What?!" Mukahi demanded. "Hey, I just taught you something here!"

"There was one thing that you said wrong, Gakuto," Oshitari said. "And that is-" and Oshitari went on another bout of rantings about the miracles of life and whatnot.

By the time he was done Ootori looked like he was about to throw up and Hiyoshi had lost all trace of emotion on his face. Kabaji was still the same.

Atobe had decided to use some earplugs, since he obviously did not want to hear any of this stuff, especially if it was being explained tenfold.

Jirou still had his sloppy grin plastered onto his face. "SUGEE!! THAT'S SO COOL!"

"HOW THE FUCK IS THAT COOL?!" Shishido turned to Mukahi and Oshitari. "I...will never...ever...look at you two the same way EVER again."

Mukahi shrugged. "Hey, at least we kept the tennis racket safe, didn't we?"

"And Gakuto actually got to teach something," Oshitari remarked.

"YOU IDIOT, HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE STUPID!! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH HIS MIND ALL THIS TIME?!"

"Trying to cope with his sanity. Clearly he's lost it."

"GAH!!"

And so, the Hyoutei regulars had finally learned something about health. Courtesu of Atobe Keigo.

* * *

Demon Brat 2000 had the idea and she told ME to write it. PSHH. XP 


End file.
